Narrative Introduction

“Does your zine apply to friendship breakups?” I guess it does. I guess my zine applies to whatever relationship you have had severed that leaves a pit in your stomach. This zine applies to whatever relationship ending is the reason you feel really alone at night and wonder if the pain will ever end (spoiler alert, it will.) Breakups are one of the worst feelings in the world. Earlier this year, I experienced my own. My breakup was what people everywhere would describe as a classic breakup: it ended well between us; the mutualism/good feelings left me questioning why we would ever not be together; I spent weeks on end crying, searching “I love you” in my iMessages so I could read back on every text that he sent saying that; eventually I realized why we needed to breakup and it left me spiting him and the entire situation; and, where I am now, finding myself through all of these emotions – no hard feelings remain, but it is not about him anymore.

When I started this project in my WRITING220 class this semester, I avoided writing about my breakup like the plague. I already spent every night journaling, I could only tire myself out in order to fall asleep despite my intrusive thoughts if I feverishly wrote every single thought down. Eventually, I talked to my WRITING220 instructor (hi Shelley!). I was feeling uninspired to write about any other topic. She suggested I write about this; she could see this is where my heart was. But by creating a zine, I wasn’t just sitting with these emotions like how I am when I journal, but I am creating an outlet for them – almost like scrapbooking. So, my zine was born. And my entire heart was put into it. This zine became my way to expel my emotions into something tangible. Most importantly, I got to write about these stages as I passed through each of them myself; this zine finally felt like the perfect WRITING220 project for me. I needed a creative outlet, and thankfully I found one. However, this outlet is now meant to be shared.

I’ve realized breakups are one of the most unique feelings in their ability to be so conflicting and full of controversial feelings. You are sad, but you are finding the positives in life more than ever. You miss one person, but you can’t even handle the sound of their name. You are so alone, but you’re finally able to connect with everyone else around you. No one has ever felt the way that you’re feeling, but it is one of the most universal emotions. This last paradox is why this zine needs to be shared. This pain, this emptiness, it is well known universally. Yet, who is really exposing the embarrassment that comes with feeling like so much of your happiness was dependent on one relationship? Me! I am! That is not to say that your entire happiness should depend on one relationship, but when your entire world feels like it’s falling apart when that relationship ends, that’s okay to admit. I allowed myself to be fully vulnerable when crafting this zine; and learning to be vulnerable was one of my greatest lessons overall. Creating a project for myself wasn’t enough, I wanted others to know that these feelings are far from embarrassing – they’re one of the most human feelings possible. 

So, when a classmate in a WRITING220 workshop asked me if my zine was applicable to friendship breakups, the answer was yes. Because breakups aren’t about following an exact definition or the timeline that mine followed, they’re about the feeling that they leave with you in the bottom of your stomach that comes peaking through in the redness in your cheeks. And everyone needs solidarity in that feeling. Feel. Take the time to just feel. It is painful, but it is so beautifully human. So please, read along and take the time to consider how you have healed as well through your own breakups. And if you haven’t…I created a guide to help you do just that.